Week One of Ordinary Time

 

Welcome to the first week of Ordinary Time.

Please open your Hymnal to page 3 and join in our processional  “O Lord Please Don’t Burn Us” Verse 1

O LORD, please don’t burn us,   Don’t grill or toast your flock,

Don’t put us on the barbecue,  Or simmer us in stock,

Don’t braise or bake or boil us,  Or stir fry us in a wok. 

Thank you for that spiritual rendition it warmed my heart as I walked to the pulpit.  Now please open The Holy Text volume 1 to episode 23 page 315 where the prophets say: 

(Cut instantly to sky. CAPTION: 'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA')

Voice Over: Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage shocked a generation.

(Blinding sun. Pan down to Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs crossing sand on snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel dogs, badly disguised as huskies.)

Voice Over: From the same team that brought you ... (the names come out superimposed) 'Lawrence of Glareorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Leamington' ... comes the story of three people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death struggle with a crazed desert lion.

(The four are walking along. Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott steps to the front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of lion running out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is then struck by completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him wrestling, firstly with the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion suit. The lion picks up a chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head. Finally Scott kicks the lion on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and picks up a knife. Scott points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of the lion's paw. He advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion collapses in slow motion. After a pause, phoney blood spurts out.)

Voice Over: See Ensign Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine-chilling giant electric penguin...

(Oates looks up in horror, a shadow crosses him. Reverse shot of model penguin [quite small, about a foot] which lights up and looks electric. The penguin is close to the camera in the foreground and appears huge. Oates looks around desperately then starts to undress. Shot of penguin throwing tentacle. Half-nude Oates struggles with it. Intercut a lot of phoney reverses. Oates by now clad only in posing briefs sees a stone. He picks up the stone, then camera zooms into above-naval shot; he removes his briefs, puts the stone in the briefs, twirls it like a sling, and releases stone. The penguin is hit on beak, and falls over backwards.)

 

Please open your hymnal to page 29 and join us in singing “Finland”  Verse 3

You're so sadly neglected,  And often ignored,
A poor second to Belgium,  When going abroad.

Finland, Finland, Finland,  The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,  Your treetops so tall,
Finland, Finland, Finland,  Finland has it all.

 

Now please open The Holy Text volume 2 to episode 45 page 332 where the prophets say … 

Man: Come on, please try some.

Dad: All right I'll have some Icelandic Honey.

Man: No, there is no such thing.

Dad: You mean you don't make any honey at all?

Man: No, no, we must import it all. Every bally drop. We are a gloomy people. It's so crikey cold and dark up there, and only fish to eat. Fish and imported honey. Oh strewth!

Mother: Well why do you have a week?

Man: Listen Buster! In Reykyavik it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off and there's only golly fish to eat. Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantities. Look at this - it's all a mistake. It's a real pain in the sphincter! Icelandic HoneyWeek? My Life!

Mother: Well why do you come in here trying to flog the stuff, then?

Man: Listen Cowboy. I got a job to do. It's a stupid, pointless job but at least it keeps me away from Iceland, all right? The leg of the worker bee has... (They slam the door on him. Someone rather like Jeremy Thorpe looks round the door and waves as they do so.)

 

Homily  Parishioners, I though that with our return to Ordinary Time, it would be appropriate to return to a standard refrain, the incompetence of the “Sleepy Uncle Joe“ administration.  So I thought that I would start with a recent revelation that the “S.U.J” CIA was bribing CIA analysts to conclude that COVID did NOT originate in a lab (https://nypost.com/2023/09/12/cia-tried-to-pay-off-analysts-to-bury-covid-lab-leak-findings-whistleblower/) and “bury” lab leak theories.  At least that ship has finally sailed. 

Continuing the customary continual failures of the S.U.J. administration.  In an effort to “create” new “affordable” housing, while also put to work the staggering number of available office space, the administration has decided to waste 45 Billion dollars converting offices into “homes” (https://www.marketwatch.com/story/white-house-opens-45-billion-in-federal-funds-to-developers-to-covert-offices-to-homes-d335bf49).  I am sure that anyone who has ever worked in a cubicle will be ecstatic to also get to live in one! 

But let us not only expect the S.U.J. administration to continue to wallow in their failures, no they are always busy finding NEW ways to be failures.  The S.U.J. administration has decided that in spite of the fact that TWO gun toting loons have been caught trying to get close enough to Robert Kennedy junior to shoot him, The S.U.J. administration still DENIES RFK jr Secret Service protection (https://www.zerohedge.com/political/rfk-jr-renews-plea-secret-service-protection-after-second-stalker-arrest)!  Leaving a Kennedy running for president un protected, how typical of a Democratic Administration!

At least Americans are catching the drift of the country.  Costco has started selling gold bars in their stores (https://www.cnbc.com/2023/09/27/costco-is-selling-gold-bars-and-they-are-selling-out-within-a-few-hours.html)!  Naturally these bars are selling out the day the are offered in any store! 

Amen

Please join us in our recessional on page 3 of your hymnal “O Lord Please Don’t Burn Us” second verse. 

Oh Please don’t lightly poach us,  Or Baste us with hot fat,

Don’t fricassee or roast us,    Or boil us in a vat,

And please don’t stick thy servants, Lord,  In a Rotissomat.